my struggle to get here was hard. something i never wanted to talk about. something i didn't want to remember. but now i think it's so important i remember. to never forget what it took to get here. the pain of waiting, disappointments, and nothing going the way i planned. that last one is the biggest lesson to be taken away from this. if things had gone the way i wanted them to i don't know what would have happened but i know it wouldn't have been the best plan for us.
there are parts of this story, big parts, that i will leave out or keep vague. they are still too close, too hard to talk about. so bare with me if you actually decide to read this. i will do my best to make my point clear and get to the good stuff. but first we start with the bad.
i also want to preface this by saying my journey is no where near as hard as yours may be. i am not trying to compare or say i went through the hardest struggle anyone has ever faced. thankfully, my story has a happy ending. i am well aware of how blessed that makes me. i do not take it for granted. i remind myself everyday that it could be so much worse. so to those of you waiting, heartbroken, and defeated i am so, so sorry.
i have wanted to be a mother my whole life. i had the best childhood ever. my mom was and is an extraordinary mother. i saw what she did and i wanted that too. i grew up with 3 older sisters. we are very spaced apart so i became an aunt at the young age of 10. as much as my niece drove me crazy (love you hal) i had never loved anyone or anything as much as i loved her. it was a whole new feeling. i was only 10 but i felt like she was mine. i was now responsible for her life and happiness. i took on my role as aunt very seriously. then my sister had another kid and once again i felt an overwhelming amount of love for her too. i didn't think it was possible to love anyone as much as i loved hallie but i did. i now have 4 nieces and 4 nephews. each time they enter the world once again my heart melts. my nieces and nephews are my world. i love them more than any humans on earth (sorry justin ;) )
the reason i am explaining my love for my nieces and nephews is to hopefully better explain the extreme love and yearning i have for my own children. if i could care this much about these tiny humans that i didn't even give birth to imagine the love i would have for my own! everyone always makes the joke "babysit for kids in your family and it will change your mind about wanting kids". yeah, no. the more time i spent with them the more i wanted my own.
when justin and i got married i had no intention of rushing into having kids. we were super young and figuring a lot of things out. he was 21 i was 22. we were babies. in my opinion babies should not have babies. so for the first few years of marriage i put kids out of my mind. i just wanted to enjoy being married. my sisters seem to be very fertile so i had a few "scares" that make me laugh now looking back. in those first few years there were times i thought i could be pregnant and was worried it was too soon. if only it were that easy.
then one day it hit me and it hit me hard. i was ready for a baby. i didn't just want one i needed one. my first challenge was getting justin ready. he did not get hit with the baby bug at the same time i did. in fact it took him a while to get to the point where he was ready. which is totally normal and understandable! after a few months he was finally ready. we were going to start trying for a baby. (insert dancing lady emoji here) i was stoked! like i said earlier my sisters have no problem having kids so i knew i wouldn't either. in fact i was positive we were going to get pregnant the first month. i just knew it would happen, right?
about 5 months of trying went by before the panic set in. i was still extremely hopeful and optimistic up until this point. now i know 5 months sounds like nothing but when you're in the middle of it...it feels like forever. so we started with ovulation tests. of course! that would solve all of our issues. those things are expensive so they must work. nope. still nothing. month after month. negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. what was i doing wrong? what was i being punished for? did god not think i was fit to be a mother? why would he withhold this from me? stupid teenagers get pregnant everyday on accident! why couldn't i get pregnant on purpose? we were both ready! we were praying and fasting! why why why wasn't this going the way it should go? more and more people around me were getting pregnant. their first month of trying. each time i was happy for them (i swear i was) but each time a piece of me fell apart. i felt jealousy and anger rise up in me with each announcement. it's not that i wanted them to struggle the way i was. it's not that i thought they were trying to hurt me. it was that god was answering their prayers but leaving me behind. he forgot about me! why not me?!
here is the part where present stacey (who knows how this story ends) starts crying because the pain of it still stings. she is also crying because she was so stupid to be so angry and to doubt god who has never let her down. present stacey feels bad for past stacey, so she cries.
at this point in the story i will keep things vague but basically i was going through a difficult time. it wasn't just the fact that i wasn't getting pregnant. other parts of my life got really hard, really fast. then something tragic and unexpected happened. it involved my husband moving in with a family member who was dying and needed him. he needed justin more than i did so i was more than willing to let him move in and take care of him. this also happened to be during the holiday season. it was a lonely but important season to walk through.
in that time i spent a lot of nights alone. a lot of time to think and pray. i also had the privilege of seeing my husband shine in the face of tragedy. he stepped up in a way i didn't know he could. he worked full time and was a full time care taker. he never complained. not once. he had to do things for his loved one i could never imagine doing. no one his age should have to walk through what he did. he did it with grace and strength. (and again i'm crying) i have never been more attracted to my husband. suddenly everything i thought was so important and so hard wasn't. all i wanted to do was make justin's life easier the few times i did get to see him. i finally put him and his needs before my own. it was the missing piece to our marriage that i was ignoring because i thought my problems were more important. it all finally clicked and i knew what kind of wife i needed to be. we spent so little time together during that season but we grew closer than ever.
justin and i talked and he agreed to let me try a new weight loss program. it was a way to better myself and gave me a goal to look forward to. i couldn't control getting pregnant but i could control losing weight. it was the perfect distraction. the first month on the program i lost 20lbs. i was feeling amazing and i was getting so excited to keep losing weight and become a new me. my friend invited me to california with her because she was house sitting for her uncle and didn't want to go alone. i thought to myself "another perk of not having kids yet. i can do things like this at the drop of a hat". i was really becoming more at peace about not being pregnant.
when i hit 4 days of being late i decided to pick up a test just to put my mind at ease. i knew it would be negative because we stopped trying. i texted justin and told him i was taking a test but not worry it won't be positive.
here's the part when 2 lines show up on that freakin pregnancy test for the first time ever. 2. lines. that means pregnant right? i mean, i always see the 1 line but i've never seen 2 lines. that second line doesn't look very dark so it must not count. it doesn't count right? we stopped trying! i'm losing weight! i'm alone in california and justin isn't here for this moment! i can't be pregnant. can i?!
that night i wrote this in the journal i brought for the trip:
"I AM PREGNANT. I am over the moon happy for this baby. I'm also in a state of shock. It doesn't quite feel real yet. This is going to be the most loved baby in the world! I don't care if it's a boy or a girl as long as it's healthy and happy. I pray nothing goes wrong. I know this is all God's perfect timing. We didn't even try this month! I pray that my baby is strong in every sense of the word. Thank you Lord for this precious gift. Please give me the wisdom to raise this baby the right way. I love you."
i was in shock. the rest of the trip that's all i could focus on. nothing else mattered. was i really pregnant? the second justin picked me up at the airport i took another test in the bathroom and it was again positive. we both couldn't believe it was real. i told my immediate family right away that weekend. i wanted them to know and i wanted them to start praying. i scheduled my test at the doctor's office and sure enough i was pregnant. they confirmed it. it was happening. now you'd think this would be the part where i'm overjoyed and don't have a care in the world, right? wrong. this is when fear crept in.
unfortunately, i have had people close to me lose their first babies within the first trimester.it was heartbreaking to watch them go through it. all i could think was what if that happens to me? i worried about losing this baby everyday. every little cramp. every time i went to the bathroom i prepared for the worst. i'm typically not a doom and gloom person. i like to think on the positive side of things. but i let fear take hold of me and i still battle with it today.
way home. from there my morning sickness got increasingly worse. i couldn't keep anything down. nothing was appetizing. my job was so frustrated with me for missing so much work and when i was at work i wasn't thinking clearly. everyone continued to reassure me it's almost over! keep trucking along and when you're in your second trimester everything gets better! well at 12 weeks my sickness kicked up a new notch and i was feeling worse than ever. i finally had to go on medicine so i could keep liquids in me. the medicine definitely helped but the nausea has never gone away. i'm 26 weeks pregnant now and still throwing up. i'm on a stronger medication and that helps a little but i'm still not myself.
let me make this very clear: i am NOT complaining about this pregnancy. i could be so much worse. my baby is healthy and that is all that matters to me. i'm the happiest, sickest lady you'll ever meet. i'm only adding the details of my sickness because they are facts and part of my story. some days are harder than others. this pregnancy has been a lot harder on my body than i ever imagined but i wouldn't trade it for the world. in the end this will all be worth it. knowing how badly i wanted this helps. knowing what it feels like to not have a baby makes the throwing up bearable. feeling those kicks and punches every morning, noon, and night makes my sickness so worth it.
the love i have for my son is insane and he isn't even born yet. i started this blog with a post that said "i'm in love i'm in love and i don't care who knows it!" well picture me throwing that fur hat in the air once again! this time it's for the tiny human growing inside me, making me sick, making me the happiest, and making me a mom. finally.
